The Power of Lies
Aug. 3rd, 2016 06:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
songcoyoteI was in one of Those Moods recently, and I told an online friend in whom I have a certain degree of trust that they could ask me anything they wanted. The first question wasn't much, but the follow up turned rather interesting. I gave them a choice from three topics: The Turning Point, The Power of Lies, and Edgy Sexual Fantasies.
They chose The Power of Lies, and what follows is a proofread and slightly expanded version of what I told them.
I was fairly young when I first experimented with falsehood. I watched others do it, and some of what they attempted seemed... amateurish. So I decided to be a bit more careful, a bit more canny... and I discovered that I had a talent for it. Note that while it wasn't as conscious a choice as that might make it sound, I am describing it through the wisdom of hindsight and the conceit of the storyteller. But it captures the flavor of it.
As time passed and I both improved my skill and realized some of its potential I started to rely on it, though I was careful about how and when. At least, that's what I told myself when I got that... twinge you get when you know you're doing something wrong, but you do it anyway. I started enjoying that twinge, and became more selective - but more crafty - in how and when I chose to employ my abilities.
I found out much later that this often happens to people who are becoming, or will become, Bards. The ones that don't manage to get control over themselves - who self-destruct, or turn to crime, or whatever - never get to the creative side, the service approach, of the true Bard.
More time passed, and along with my glib tongue came a nascent ability to discern the lies of others. I fostered that faculty, as it made my deceptions easier to craft. There were times when being able to come up with a tale constructed whole cloth from my imagination saved me from considerable trouble that I had, admittedly, got myself into. It also made me a more creative person in good ways: I play roleplaying games avidly, and constructing a world for people and interactive storytelling are greatly enhanced by having +3 Improvisational Bullshit. Theater games, too, became easier, as did my stage presence and ability to take on a character. For in a way, are these not all lies we tell to the audience? I *am* the Ghost! I *truly feel* the pain of the loss of my daughter / kingdom / horse!
More than once, though, my steps on this path brought me pain - and worse, brought pain to those around me. I lied to my friends, to my loved ones, to my family, and ultimately (as I'm sure some of you saw coming) a great deal to myself. And of course, from time to time I got caught, and the consequences were in some cases quite emotionally dire.
At one point I almost fell far enough to lose what talent I had discovered by engaging in a long-term lie that nearly destroyed the group relationship I described above. It happened in part due to a horrendous and long-term depression I got caught in, but I do not accept that as any sort of excuse. It was my choice to make, however unbalanced my brain chemistry might have been, and I made a poor one. Basically, I cheated: I sneaked off to have sex with someone outside said group... and it wasn't the first time I had deceived them about such things (though the previous instance had been within the group, and if that sounds complicated, well, it was. But that’s another story.)
Some lessons don't get learned the first time you crack, eh? Especially ones as rooted in depression as mine was. It took a lot of therapy for me to feel human again, and counseling for all of us so we could figure out how to deal with ourselves and each other again. I cannot thank my family enough for giving me more than one chance to get my figurative head out of my figurative ass. That they did so is a sign of their great love for me, and I work hard at not taking it for granted nowadays.
I still retain the silver tongue I developed during all this, and there are times when it serves me well in positive ways. It feeds my creativity, my courting, and my ability to be diplomatic; I have turned away from the unscrupulous path on which I once readily trod. At least, for the most part.
It's difficult to stay on the wagon, as it were - rather like an alcoholic, as there is an addictive quality to telling fibs and getting away with it. I'm still good at it, too, and in all ironic honesty, sometimes I give in to temptation. I typically confess afterward, though, and I have been training myself gradually not to indulge in those selfish moments. As well, I root out the lies I have told myself whenever I can, and seek help, whether through counseling or otherwise, when I cannot handle them on my own.
Because of all that, one of the things that really pisses me off (and very little does these days) is when I tell the absolute truth, as objectively as possible, and someone else's lie is believed instead. It happened a couple of years ago with a traffic accident.
But you know what? That's okay. Perhaps it's even penance or justice for what I have done in the past. Or perhaps it's just life; things don't always happen for a reason.
Besides, no long-term harm was done, and in the end, I know the truth, and I know that I told the truth. And at this point I live a life much more steeped in truth than I ever have.
And that's the Power of Lies.
Comments and questions are welcome <3
Light and laughter,
SongCoyote
They chose The Power of Lies, and what follows is a proofread and slightly expanded version of what I told them.
I was fairly young when I first experimented with falsehood. I watched others do it, and some of what they attempted seemed... amateurish. So I decided to be a bit more careful, a bit more canny... and I discovered that I had a talent for it. Note that while it wasn't as conscious a choice as that might make it sound, I am describing it through the wisdom of hindsight and the conceit of the storyteller. But it captures the flavor of it.
As time passed and I both improved my skill and realized some of its potential I started to rely on it, though I was careful about how and when. At least, that's what I told myself when I got that... twinge you get when you know you're doing something wrong, but you do it anyway. I started enjoying that twinge, and became more selective - but more crafty - in how and when I chose to employ my abilities.
I found out much later that this often happens to people who are becoming, or will become, Bards. The ones that don't manage to get control over themselves - who self-destruct, or turn to crime, or whatever - never get to the creative side, the service approach, of the true Bard.
More time passed, and along with my glib tongue came a nascent ability to discern the lies of others. I fostered that faculty, as it made my deceptions easier to craft. There were times when being able to come up with a tale constructed whole cloth from my imagination saved me from considerable trouble that I had, admittedly, got myself into. It also made me a more creative person in good ways: I play roleplaying games avidly, and constructing a world for people and interactive storytelling are greatly enhanced by having +3 Improvisational Bullshit. Theater games, too, became easier, as did my stage presence and ability to take on a character. For in a way, are these not all lies we tell to the audience? I *am* the Ghost! I *truly feel* the pain of the loss of my daughter / kingdom / horse!
More than once, though, my steps on this path brought me pain - and worse, brought pain to those around me. I lied to my friends, to my loved ones, to my family, and ultimately (as I'm sure some of you saw coming) a great deal to myself. And of course, from time to time I got caught, and the consequences were in some cases quite emotionally dire.
At one point I almost fell far enough to lose what talent I had discovered by engaging in a long-term lie that nearly destroyed the group relationship I described above. It happened in part due to a horrendous and long-term depression I got caught in, but I do not accept that as any sort of excuse. It was my choice to make, however unbalanced my brain chemistry might have been, and I made a poor one. Basically, I cheated: I sneaked off to have sex with someone outside said group... and it wasn't the first time I had deceived them about such things (though the previous instance had been within the group, and if that sounds complicated, well, it was. But that’s another story.)
Some lessons don't get learned the first time you crack, eh? Especially ones as rooted in depression as mine was. It took a lot of therapy for me to feel human again, and counseling for all of us so we could figure out how to deal with ourselves and each other again. I cannot thank my family enough for giving me more than one chance to get my figurative head out of my figurative ass. That they did so is a sign of their great love for me, and I work hard at not taking it for granted nowadays.
I still retain the silver tongue I developed during all this, and there are times when it serves me well in positive ways. It feeds my creativity, my courting, and my ability to be diplomatic; I have turned away from the unscrupulous path on which I once readily trod. At least, for the most part.
It's difficult to stay on the wagon, as it were - rather like an alcoholic, as there is an addictive quality to telling fibs and getting away with it. I'm still good at it, too, and in all ironic honesty, sometimes I give in to temptation. I typically confess afterward, though, and I have been training myself gradually not to indulge in those selfish moments. As well, I root out the lies I have told myself whenever I can, and seek help, whether through counseling or otherwise, when I cannot handle them on my own.
Because of all that, one of the things that really pisses me off (and very little does these days) is when I tell the absolute truth, as objectively as possible, and someone else's lie is believed instead. It happened a couple of years ago with a traffic accident.
But you know what? That's okay. Perhaps it's even penance or justice for what I have done in the past. Or perhaps it's just life; things don't always happen for a reason.
Besides, no long-term harm was done, and in the end, I know the truth, and I know that I told the truth. And at this point I live a life much more steeped in truth than I ever have.
And that's the Power of Lies.
Comments and questions are welcome <3
Light and laughter,
SongCoyote
no subject
Date: 2016-08-06 02:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-08-08 07:48 pm (UTC)It would help if I knew who you are, though. It's been so long since I've journaled here that I don't recognize the user name, and your profile pic is not exactly clear ;)
I look foreward to seeing and talking with you anyway, though!
Light and laughter,
SongCoyote